What is unicorn poop? Well, it is the stuff that comes out of the rear end of a unicorn. Unicorns need to eat, just like you and me. Mostly they digest their food, but some stuff is left over and the unicorn needs to get rid of it.
Eat. Digest. Poop.
Pretty ordinary, you say. Not so fast.
You may or may not be surprised to find out that unicorn poop, like everything unicorn, is pretty magical stuff. It is the number one ingredient in a wide range of spells, philtres, potions, hexes, amulets, wards, shields, not to mention being indispensable for genie bottling.
Some people use it as fertilizer, and while the results are amazing, I think it’s a sad waste of solid waste.
What does Unicorn Poop Look Like?
Unicorn poop is swirled like soft-serve ice cream. Its consistency depends on what the unicorn has eaten. It may sit in a series of small, swirled piles like the tops of a line of buried ice cream cones.
(HINT: the fresher it is, the more perfect the little loop at the top of the dollop. More on that later.)
Or it may come out in long, log-like extrusions. Picture long, thick ropes with twisting threads laying on the ground like a candy log.
Whatever the shape, unicorn poop will have a distinctive swirl pattern. Each thread of the swirl can have different magical properties, and for that reason, the more solid unicorn poop is generally the more prized.
The soft-serve turd has good properties on its own, so do not ignore it if you find some. Just know that the more solid, the more valuable.
What is Unicorn Poop Made of?
Unicorn poop is first and foremost poop. Its primary ingredient is body waste, blood cells that have died and such. This is the main reason for its magical properties. It is the blood of unicorns, distilled and dumped.
The second most common component is undigested and semi-digested food. The undigested food contributes nothing but color and mass. But the semi-digested stuff has unicorn enzymes in it. These enzymes differ according to the type of food, and so that accounts for the different magical properties.
(NOTE: Some of these properties make it poisonous, one reason you should not handle with your bare hands under any circumstance. Not the only one, either.)
Finally, unicorn poop has starlight and moonshine in it. I know, you’re thinking I’ll be telling you next that clapping your hands can cure fairies of poison. Well, duh. Of course, it does. Stop being such a skeptic.
Magical Properties of Unicorn Poop
Unicorn poop is a pretty much universal magical intensifier. If you add even a pinch to whatever spell or potion you’re concocting, the effects will be multiplied, with a few caveats.
These exceptions involve necromancy and demonic possession. Do not, I repeat, do not keep unicorn poop in the same room when such a spell is being cast. It will neutralize your control over the dead or the demon, and you risk being possessed. Be warned.
Unicorn poop taken internally has healing powers that are very broad. I know the idea of eating turds sounds gross. However, unicorn poop is perfectly sanitary.
If eating it grosses you out, however, there is always the unicorn poop smoothie. The great thing about unicorn poop in smoothies is that it intensifies the flavor of the other ingredients, making it the strawberry-est strawberry, the banana-most banana, and the choco-holey-cow-est cocoa.
Drink a dram in a smoothie every day for clear skin, bright eyes, and fresh breath. The soft-serve consistency unicorn poop is the best to use for drinking because it is less potent and therefore less likely to have side effects.
(NOTE: Some people find their teeth growing into horse-size molars if they ingest too much. If you notice changes in your bite or a sudden interest in nibbling the lawn, stop at once.)
Different Kinds of Unicorn Poop
There are special magical uses for unicorn poop but these depend on the kind and quality of the individual turds. As already mentioned, the softest variety is the most generic and least potent, so it serves best as a food item.
Color is the easiest method for determining the specialty turds, but color alone is not foolproof. Still, it is generally accepted that gold-colored poop has the strongest healing properties.
Pink and raspberry colored poop makes for love potions of amazing strength and duration. Blues from cerulean to violet all relate to control over time and the elements.
The rare white strands allow for all manner of spells that would otherwise require alchemical purity: invisibility, levitation, soothsaying, and turning lead to gold.
Most often, all the strands of a swirl are the same color. But sometimes the strands have a two-tone swirl.
These combine effects so that each strand contains some quality of the other. For example, a love potion made with the pink from a swirl of pink and gold would inspire a more robust love.
Likewise, healing tonics made with the gold strand would bring healing to the patient’s love relationships as the body mends.
The rarest, possibly mythical form of unicorn poop is, of course, the rainbow. This is a poop with all four colors wound around in a perfect spiral. The rainbow is almost always of the soft serve variety.
One can only imagine if the rainbow, with its godlike potency, were to be found in the more intense solid form. There wouldn’t be enough gold in the world to buy the whole log.
(NOTE: Don’t think that having something this powerful would be a good thing. Remember what happened to Midas. But more on that another time.)
How to Find Unicorn Poop
The hardest part of collecting unicorn poop is knowing where to look for it. Unicorns live in virgin forests. I know some stories say that only virgins can see them, or touch them, or ride them.
(WARNING! Do not under any circumstances accept a ride from a unicorn. More on that later.)
The truth is that you don’t have to be a virgin, though it helps. You need to find a virgin forest. Virgin forests are woods that have never been messed with by humans. No trees chopped. Branches gathered for firewood. No herb gathering, flower picking, or initials carved in the bark of trees.
The area of their habitat could be as small as a parking lot or as big as a mountainside. I know, you’re wondering how a bunch of unicorns could live in a parking lot-sized forest.
Here’s amazing unicorn fun fact number one: unicorns can travel between virgin forests instantly.
(Remember the warning? You could start a unicorn ride in sunny California and suddenly find yourself freezing in your shorts and t-shirt halfway up Mount Everest a couple of steps later.)
Equipment Needed to Collect Unicorn Poop
Collecting unicorn poop is simple once you have discovered where they live. You need a pair of white cotton gloves. Organic is better.
(NOTE: All cotton only. Is synthetic blend fabric worth your life? I didn’t think so.)
Don’t worry about staining. Unicorn poop leaves no residue.
Do not used the gloves to touch anything but unicorn poop. If they have a spot or stain on them, throw them away.
If you try to pick up unicorn poop with sullied hands, it will burst into flames, burning you terribly.
This is why you should never, never try to pick it up with your bare hands. Hands are almost by definition unclean. You touch a doorknob. Pick your nose. You scratch your… whatever.
Most people do this without noticing. Too late to remember when your hands are on fire.
Once you have gathered it, you need to put it into a natural wicker or grass basket. Don’t even think of putting it in a plastic bag. Plastic, being made out of millennia-old dead dinosaurs that putrefied until they turned into petroleum, will cause a reaction that will blow you up along with the no-longer-virgin bit of forest you’re in.
Once home, you can store it in glass or ceramic jars. Never plastic. (See above.) If you wish to dry and pulverize it, you can put it in a rack in your oven at the lowest heat for a few days and then crush it with a mortar and pestle by hand.
A wonderful side benefit of oven-drying is that the sweet smell of unicorn poop will fill your house, clearing the allergies from the nasal cavities of anyone in a block’s radius. Everything you bake in that oven for weeks afterward will taste as delicious as ambrosia. And an air of attractive charm will cling to you for a while until the spell wears off.
(WARNING: Be sure to use a low-temperature setting. Burning the turds will not only destroy the magic, but it will make everyone decide you are a hateful, vile human being. The effect will last until the last scintilla of burnt unicorn poop smell is gone from your hair, skin, clothes, apartment, and lungs. Maybe never.)